Koran Burning Apologies

Koran Burning Apologies


In light of the recent decision by the Florida Reverend to not burn Korans tomorrow, I thought we should celebrate what we actually do have in common, besides free speech, with our radically Muslim brethren. Sort of a no harm no foul, reach out the hand of reconciliation (and hopefully it won’t be chopped off).

I bring you the top ten things we are allowed according to the omnipotent Muslim street:

1.) Alcohol. Muslims love the booze. What else could explain them taking to the streets so frequently like drunken, Scottish soccer hooligans whose favorite team was just cheated out of match by a crooked, English referee. Islamic Rage Boy is so drunk.

2.) Pornography. Muslim porno is the best and they watch it all day long. Nothing else can account for such a heightened state of arousal at merely seeing a woman’s ankle or wrist. Also, let’s not forget where the 9/11 bombers were the night before, that’s right kids, a strip joint.

3.) Dogs. Muslims absolutely love dogs, of all breeds. Hell, they have a propensity to name their dogs after their favorite Muslim - Mohammed (Mo for short). We should all do the same in the name of tolerance and bridge building.

4.) Pork. Bacon, ribs, and butt. All swine all the time. Next time you are having a pig roast don’t forget to invite your Muslim neighbors. They’ll go crazy and thank you in ways you never thought possible.

5.) Woman. Forget what you’ve heard about genital mutilation, wife beating, gender specific rooms during prayer and family gatherings, rape, honor killings and the general, overall misogynistic attitude by those that practice the ‘Religion of Peace’. Muslims love women, just in a slightly different way.

6.) Western culture. Notice how they assimilate so easily to our way of life. I bet you don’t even realize that family down the street are Muslim. Besides the burkas, the chained up goats and the “children’s playground” that strangely resembles a military style obstacle course. They absolutely love our way of life, they just don’t want to be like us.

7.) Education. Math, science and especially mechanical engineering. You have to know how to build stuff before you can figure out how to knock it down. Plus, just look at all of the technological advances the Muslim world has brought to us recently - remote controlled road side bombs, suicide vests, shoe bombs and my favorite - underwear bombs. Also, I hear they invented the automobile, the polio vaccine and were the first to make it to the moon.

8.) Religion. Yes absolutely, religion and more religion, of every type. Forget that whole “infidel” stuff, Islam is the most accepting and tolerant of all the religions. I understand there are more churches and synagogues in Muslim countries than all of the western countries combined. There’s a church right in Mecca and people from all faiths are happily invited to visit that holy city, especially during the Haajj pilgrimage. I believe President Obama said that in his speech at Cairo.

9.) Humor. Muslims have a wicked sense of humor, love a good laugh and especially enjoy satire. The most famous comedians, Jon Stewart for example, are Muslims and the best comedy films, like Ishtar, come out of the Middle East. That whole “atmosphere of discrimination/hostility/hate/violence/ towards Muslims/Mosques” shtick they’ve been perpetually playing on us for the last nine years is pure classic, comedy genius. The late Andy Kaufman, another Muslim, would be envious.

There folks, that’s the top ten. I’m using Muslim math, so get over it…or I’ll riot.

Peace be upon you…filthy infidels.