Thanksgiving Short Jokes

  >Thanksgiving Short Jokes

Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims

Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: They use FOWL language.

Q: Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
A: It had 24 carrots.

Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!

Q: What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
A: Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

Q: Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Q: Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
A: Because April showers bring Mayflowers! Dear Turkeys, don't worry...
they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, women.

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?

Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous
for?
A: Their AGE!

Q: Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks

Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: "If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!"

Q: What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
A: If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Q: What if the Pilgrims shot a bobcat instead of a turkey?
A: We'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving!

Q: If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey
want?
A: It simply wants to run away.

Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.

Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play

Q: What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY

Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
A: Boy! I'm stuffed!

Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
A: He had an arrow escape

Q: What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on
Thanksgiving morning?
A: To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.

Q: Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
A: Because they never learned good table manners!

Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!

Q: What key has legs and can't open doors?
A: A Turkey.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off!

Q: Which cat discovered America?
A: Christofurry Columbus

Q: What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
A: Turkey feathers

Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A: Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

Q: What do you call the age of a pilgrim?
A: Pilgrimage.

Q:What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach?
A: Puritan.

Q: What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?
A: Pil-grimace.

Q: What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary?
A: Pilgrammar.

Q: What do modern day Native Americans call a pilgrim?
A: Pilgrim Reaper.

Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
A: He had an arrow escape.

Q: What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
A: Fangs-giving.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A: A poultrygeist!

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!

At the Core of Liberalism

Wisdom from Facebook

By Duke Hergatt of Temple Baptist Church

Every time our president opens his mouth he makes me love Jesus more. The gates of hell can't prevail against Christ's church. That is not a promise to America. I greatly fear for our nation. Politics have replaced virtue. Our constitution is being ignored. Our media is corrupt. Man just proves again man can't fix man 's problems. My trust is in the Word of God.. Not in the words of elected officials.

#Shirtstorm Is Just One More Reason That Liberal Feminism Is Completely Stupid.

Written by  Mockarena  (Chicks on the Right)

Cathy Young, of Reason magazine, wrote a great column about the #Shirtstorm surrounding a scientist from the Rosetta mission.  If you haven't heard about this, you should know that a British physicist, Matt Taylor, wore a really hideous t-shirt to a press appearance about the landing of the space probe on a comet, and as a result, Perpetually Offended Liberal Feminist Hosebeasts couldn't cope.

Here's the shirt in question.

The AP description, "garish shirt featuring a collage of pin-up girls" is pretty accurate.  I mean, let's face it.  The shirt is heinous.  But you would have thought, based on the reaction of feminists, that he''d worn a shirt that said, "I love rape" on it or something.  A "journalist" from the Atlantic, Rose Eveleth, tweeted, "Thanks for ruining the cool comet landing for me a-hole."

She seriously allowed a dude's clothing choice to RUIN the comet landing for her, you guys.  And these are the chicks that claim to be all empowered?  These are the chicks who screech for women's equality?  Yeah - way to help with that cause, moron.  Find me a single dude who would allow a woman's shirt to "ruin the cool comet landing" for him.  You want equality? Then freaking MAN UP and don't go whining about a dude's SHIRT ruining your fun. 

But Rose wasn't the only one deeply wounded by Matt Taylor's fashion. Another headline on Verge magazine read, "I don't care if you landed a spacecraft on a comet, your shirt is sexist and ostracizing." Yeah.  Forget amazing feats of science and the demonstration of man's exceptional technological capabilities.  He's wearing a shirt that hurts someone's feeeeeelings!!!

The worst part?  Matt Taylor tearfully apologized, you guys. He got beaten down by the whining of feminist harpies, and he freaking TEARFULLY APOLOGIZED.

Why are we tolerating this crap?  The women who can't emotionally deal with a guy's stupid shirt make all women look really weak and pathetic.

Another woman tweeted, "His shirt says to women in STEM:  I have no respect for you as a professional.  When I look at you, I see a sex object."

What a total load of monkey droppings. As Cathy Young points out in her column, the DAY BEFORE Taylor's appearance in The Shirt, he tweeted to his followers that they should all follow the Rosetta project scientist Claudia Alexander.  And it turns out, he received the shirt as a birthday present from a FEMALE FRIEND. Those shrieking harpies complaining about Taylor's shirt would have served their cause a whole lot better by promoting the work of all of Taylor's female teammates, who exemplify what feminism should be all about.  But nope.  Instead, they're all emotionally damaged by a freaking shirt.

Cathy writes, "The message of ShirtStorm, meanwhile, is that aspiring female scientists can be undone by some sexy pictures on a shirt—and that women’s presence in science requires men to walk on eggshells, curb any goofy humor that may offend the sensitive and be cowed into repentance for any misstep."

Exactly. And this is what we talk about in great detail in Chapter 5 of Right for a Reason. We talk a lot about the kind of society we'll be living in if we allow these lunatics to keep muzzling people with political correctness.  Arm yourself with the information in that book, y'all.

Meanwhile, as Cathy astutely notes, hypocrisy in these culture wars is rampant.  Women are apparently allowed to be disgusting, vulgar skanks in the name of "agency" and "female empowerment" (See: lyrics to pretty much any Beyonce song) but Robin Thicke's catchy tune "Blurred Lines" has been categorized as a "rape anthem" and banned from college campuses. The double standard is out of control.  Imagine if a female scientist had worn a similar shirt as Taylor had, only with cartoon dudes all over it.  Would there be the same outcry?  Of course not.  She probably would have been mocked for wearing a heinous shirt, and that would be that.  No guys would be crying big crocodile tears over feeling sexually objectified.

And this is why liberal feminists are worthy of such scorn. They are pathetic crybabies who do exactly nothing to promote the strength and awesomeness of women.

Really: NY Legislator Wants Warning Labels on Soda

Cortney O'Brien | Nov 16, 2014

Warning: You’re about to drink a very sugary substance! As if you didn’t know that already…

A New York assemblyman who’s apparently trying to be the next Michael Bloomberg has just introduced legislation to include warning labels on sodas, syrups and concentrates. More from the New York Observer:

Assemblyman Karim Camara today unveiled new legislation that would slap warning labels on bottles of soda and other sugar-heavy beverages to notify consumers of the risks of diabetes, obesity and tooth decay associated with the drinks.

A little excessive, huh? Nevertheless, Camara offered this defense of his proposed bill:

“This is about a pragmatic piece of legislation. This is not about an attack on an industry for the sake of the industry. This about doing what’s best for children and adults in our society,” said Mr. Camara. “We cannot afford for our children to continue to be overweight, to continue to have learning problems, to have health problems that may lead to difficult lives and at times illnesses that can lead to the loss of life.”

Yeah, a warning label should do it.

New Yorkers shouldn’t have to stare at stickers that shout the dangers of drinking soda. This is America - we should be able to drink a cold glass of Coca-Cola without feeling guilty. We know it’s not the healthiest beverage option in the world, but it’s our choice. And darnit, it tastes good!

New Yorkers and beverage industries shouldn’t be too worried, however, considering how that ambitious Big Gulp ban in the Big Apple ended.

New Yorkers don’t need a nanny. Legislators like Camara need a new hobby

Jonathan Gruber’s previous employer

Posted by Judson Phillips on November 17, 2014 at 6:43am in Tea Party Nation Forum

Anyone remember Jonathan Gruber’s previous employer?

Jonathan Gruber is the MIT professor who has been in the news the last few days for finally telling everyone what we already knew. Obamacare was sold to us on a lie.   Everything about Obamacare was a lie.

Gruber knew it was a lie.  So did his boss, Barack Obama.

Gruber’s continued employment by MIT pretty much destroys the myth that MIT just hires the best and the brightest.  They certainly hire the most dishonest and the corrupt.

Before there was Barack Obama, there was Mitt Romney.

That’s right, the 2012 GOP nominee was Gruber’s previous employer.

Gruber and Obama sold Obamacare in part on Romneycare in Massachusetts.  Turns out the only way Romneycare worked was with massive subsidies from the federal government and even that was not enough. 

As Jonathan Gruber now becomes a household name, his former boss Mitt Romney is making the rounds again.  He appeared this weekend on CBS’ Face the Nation.   Romney claims he isn’t running for President but all indications are he is going to do it again.

Isn’t that special.  The candidate who lost the race that could not be lost is running again. 

Romney doesn’t want the GOP to fight Obama on executive amnesty.  He says there are “better ways” to handle the situation.

Romney’s definition of “better ways” includes complete Republican surrender on the issue of amnesty and passing the so-called “Gang of Eight” bill.

Why the hell is anyone even giving Romney the time of day?

CBS and the drive by media are.  They would love to see the GOP be so stupid as to nominate Romney again.  For the left, their dream match up for 2016 would be Mitt Romney versus Elizabeth Warren.  That would almost certainly ensure that Elizabeth Warren won.  Even if she did not win, a Romney Presidency would be almost as good and almost as far to the left.

Jonathan Gruber’s video candor about Obamacare is the gift that keeps giving.  Since Gruber likes to run his mouth, it is probably a safe bet these are not the only videos out there. 

Inquiring minds want to know.  What did Gruber have to say about Romney care and when did Mitt Romney know it?

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

After-Birth Abortion?

August 23, 2012 by Bristol Palin

Did you know that some liberal “scholars” published an article in a supposedly reputable journal suggesting that it should be just as permissible to kill a newborn baby as it is to kill an unborn child?  What will this journal publish next?  An argument for killing Jews?  For reinstating slavery?  Our abortion culture is creating a world where what should be unthinkable is being actively debated in the “best” of publications.

I know that I’m sensitive to questions about whether life is “worth living” or “worth protecting” even when babies are disabled or moms face challenges.  After all, my brother is disabled, and I was a teenage mom.  But I’d hope and expect that even the people who dislike me, who dislike my beliefs, and who dislike my family can unite in believing that it’s a shame that at least a few members of our cultural elite have lost all respect for vulnerable human life, and it’s a further shame that a widely-read journal gave them a platform for their hate.

What Is It With Liberal Ivy League Brats' Obsession With Anal Sex?

From Chicks on the Right

Written by  Daisy

According to Campus Reform, Rick Perry made a visit to Dartmouth College, and on the Democrat side of the aisle, there were some disgusting questions - about anal sex.  Because of course there was.

One of the questions included, "I know you have been very strong on all foreign policy issues, including Somali pirates, but what is your stance on butt pirates?"

Knee-slapping hilarious, right?

It's easy to be this funny when your Mommy and Daddy are more than likely mortgaging their home to shell out $61,000 a year for your education, I suppose.  (And that doesn't cover your J.Crew allowance.  God knows you gotta have that to go with the smug look on your pretentious face.)

Anywho, a kid named Ben Packer is the one who spearheaded that question and others.  And he passed out a list of said questions before the event - on a little flyer - and gave that list to other students:

Also at the event, he asked if Perry would "accept anal sex in exchange for $102 million in campaign contributions."  Because Democrat punks are classy that way, as are all left-leaning Ivy leaguers, these days, apparently.  Y'all remember when I wrote just a about a week ago about Harvard offering a workshop called "What What in the Butt: Anal Sex 101"? That happened.  Seriously - WHAT is their OBSESSION WITH ANAL SEX?  And why do we have to discuss it at the college level, as if it's something we actually need to discuss?  Or TEACH, for that matter? Can we maybe have a workshop about the economy, perhaps?  Or about national security?  Anal play is really what we need to discuss, Dartmouth, kid?  Really?  That is what you want to discuss with a man like Rick Perry?

Wow.

Yet Dartmouth is what people tell me is a bastion of higher education in this country.  This is considered "ivy league."  It apparently warrants 61K a year.  

And people wonder why kids are opting out of college and learning trades...

You want to know what's really funny?  Ben Packer.  And pretty much all "ivy league" schools in our country right now.   

We No Longer Believe The Press. Will The GOP Be Next?

Posted by Jeff Dover on November 11, 2014 at 11:30am

The press failed to make a difference in the last election, not that they didn't try with their usual skewed polls.  Here are some of their failed efforts of distraction and advocacy:  Writing today, Alan Caruba recounted how the voters threw "climate change" into the garbage pail where it belongs.  It made no difference in the 2014 voting despite the nearly hundred million dollars that so-called “environmental organizations” spent on their candidates. (I refer to them as “so-called” because I’m certain that they are only fronts for anti-capitalist, totalitarian regime wannabes).  We told them to “take a hike” with our votes.  Ditto the “war against women”.  That totally blubbed and sank, despite the hysterical claims, duly reported and discussed by our “unbiased” media.  Then has anyone noticed that all of a sudden, now that the elections are over, ebola virus and the attendant hysteria is off the front pages?  What?  Did someone find the cure?  Did the disease suddenly become less dangerous?  Where did it go?  Ditto ISIS.  Has anyone noticed that ISIS suddenly isn't the crisis that it was just prior to the elections?

Not to worry, though.  The enviro-jerks will renew their efforts to advance ridiculous charges and claims, idiocies we can count on our press to diligently follow, report and indulge in discussion as if they deserved credence.  As Rush Limbaugh used to be fond of saying, liberals are wacky when they’re in power, but get even wackier when they’re out of power.  In evidence of that,  Rush mentioned on his show yesterday that the Left is presently trying to press the idea that a new "cold war" is in progress -- just in time to coincide with the Republican majorities and the strong likelihood that the next president will be a Republican.  This will be their new, big fear offensive.  Limbaugh’s contention is that as soon as Democrats are out of power, they begin the dialogue that the world is in danger because of Republican policies, conjuring the threat of global nuclear warfare.  Of course, the press’s initiative with this cold war thing ignores the fact that there no longer exists a rationale for a “cold war”.  Oh well, liberals never did have to make any sense to motivate their fans.  In their fear-mongering, the Left sidesteps reporting and analysis of the power vacuum left by Obama’s regime, a vacuum which has emboldened so many nations, including Russia, to commence various military actions.  Almost unbelievably and to me, personally embarrassing as a US citizen, it turns out that Obama has been engaging in “secret” negotiations by letter with Iran’s leadership.  The Iranian newspapers have been publishing the letters!!  Obama thinks he’s negotiating in good faith, secretly, and Iran is putting it all out in front of its public!  That’s how much respect they have for Obama.  What can our friends and allies– any that we still have – think?  Yet where did I hear about that?  Not from our mainstream media.  I heard it on Rush Limbaugh’s show yesterday.  But when you think of it, it’s understandable:  how could the mainstream media report on this embarrassing and dangerous episode created by an incompetent Democrat president and at the same time try to raise worries about Republicans creating a new cold war?

What’s important, however, is that despite their efforts to distort and distract, the public didn’t take the bait.  In fact, on election night, the Fox ratings blew all the others out of the water.  Now here come the mainstream media, following all these failures, trying to suck us into worrying about the Republicans in office.  No one listened to them in the election lead-up and yet they believe that by repeating the same sorts of ridiculous stories, concocted for the effect, that we’ll start listening to them once again?  I think that’s over.  We’ve heard it all before, from racism to the new “cold war” and all the silliness in between.  We no longer believe their lies in large enough numbers to matter.

I’m cautiously thrilled with the new GOP majority, but I believe that there’s a warning in this for them too.  They stiffed us during the Bush years and did so again through 2014 following the the landslide we handed them in 2010.  We handed them another, even bigger landslide this month but it’s different now.  We expect results and we’re watching…really watching.  Hearing McConnell and McCain talk at the outset evokes zero confidence, but they had better get a clue.  We’re wise to the press and we’ve thrown them under the bus.  If Republicans continue to perform for their big financial interests while thumbing their noses at their base and the vast majority of those who cast their votes for them in 2014, like the press, they will find that no one believes them any longer.  And like that press which has been replaced in large part by internet outlets for news and opinion, they might find that their party is replaced with a party which responds to its people.  They might believe that it will be “business as usual”…but it won’t be.

My Determined Purpose

By Greg Laurie

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2014

DEVOTION
My Determined Purpose

Don't let the world around you squeeze you into its own mould, but let God re-mould your minds from within, so that you may prove in practice that the plan of God for you is good, meets all his demands and moves towards the goal of true maturity.

—Romans 12:2

With the world the way it is today, with things getting darker and darker and going from bad to worse, it seems to me the only way to live these days is as a completely sold-out Christian—not as a fence-sitter trying to blend in, but as someone who says, "I want to walk with God and live a real Christian life."
Paul said that his determined purpose in life was to know Christ (see Philippians 3:10-14). What is your determined purpose in life? When you get up in the morning, what do you live for? What are your goals? What are your priorities?
If you don't have a goal, you're in serious trouble because, as it has been said, if you aim at nothing, you're bound to hit it. Can you say with Paul, "My determined purpose in life is to know Him"? I hope so.
Think of the way that God used Paul. He had led countless people to faith, established churches out on the frontiers of his world, and wrote letters that we regard today as the very inspired Word of God. Yet Paul realized he had so much to learn and so far to go.
It's hard for us to think that someone like Paul would face the struggles and temptations we all face. But indeed he did. How much more should we be saying that we need to change radically in this coming year? We need to become more like Christ in this coming year—and don't let anyone pull the wool over your eyes . . . all of us have a long, long way to go.

Migrant Workers

Thanks to a local Pastor for this posting on Facebook.   

“My RANT for the day. We have an awesome farming family in our church that hires legal migrant workers. The list of regulations they must comply with are ridiculous but they comply. Government enforcement agents are relentless to always find some violation and write threatening citations. Meanwhile just cross town are the businesses hiring illegals, giving them far less, treating them less humanely and yet not a whisper from the government regulators. When government rewards the criminal and oppresses the compliant we are in big trouble. So glad I got Jesus and knowing none of this crap will make it into His Kingdom soon to come. There...I feel better now.”

Epic Stomping Of Wendy Davis In The Election

From Chicks on the Right

Friday, 11/07/2014 - 02:45 pm EST

Let's Take A Few Minutes To Soak In The Epic Stomping Of Wendy Davis In The Election Tuesday. Because LOOK!

Written by  Mockarena

The National Review has the most delicious write-up about Wendy Davis' loss in Texas Tuesday, y'all.

They call her "overexposed" and a "publicity-stunt actress with show-stopping athletic shoes." 

They say, that just like President Obama, Wendy Davis may be "constitutionally incapable of humility."

I love that.

But one of the most astute observations was about her build up by the Democratic machine, and the silence of that same machine after she was obliterated by Abbott.  The column says:

For Davis was, indeed, a star made, not born — specially selected by the national Democratic party Powers-That-Be as the messiah who would bring peace and social justice to the Texas wilds. That is, until it became clear that she did not stand a chance against Republican Greg Abbott, at which point the national machine withdrew its support and left Davis a sacrificial lamb. MSNBC prostrated itself before Davis in the days and weeks following her filibuster. After briefly noting her loss Tuesday night, the network never mentioned her again. Wendy? Wendy who?

To be fair, it was hard to find a silver lining in her performance. Davis not only lost by a full 20 points (59.3 to 38.9 percent, according to Politico) and just under 1 million votes. She lost easy Democratic areas, such as San Antonio’s Bexar County and Houston’s Harris County. She lost women, according to exit polls. She lost two-thirds of voters over the age of 50. She lost self-styled “moderates.” She lost anyone with a high-school degree or more.

But here's the best news of all.  Wendy also lost her state senate seat, and it went to Konni Burton, a tea-partying, pro-life Republican.

LOVE.

"Obama has always been a small man with thin-skin..."

From a daily newsletter I get: Brutally Honest

This morning I articulated bluntly how I felt about Obama's reaction to Tuesday's electoral drubbing, a drubbing revealing the country's clear disgust with his policies and with those who've supported those policies.

This afternoon, I find that the Anchoress has weighed in on Obama's dismissiveness as only she can:

Although very likely we all hoped, sincerely had hoped, that it would be otherwise, President Obama could not find anything like grace, maturity, professionalism, magnanimity or humility when responding to the undeniable drubbing his party took — largely, it would seem, due to the weight of his own
hubris-laden anchor — in yesterday’s election.

Despite the availability of Peggy Noonan’s excellent prompts, Barack Obama at his press conference today was tone-deaf, singularly graceless and spectacularly clueless, as well:

From all appearances Wednesday, the president won’t change—not his policies, not his style, not his staff, not nothing. Defiant and begrudging, the president said he would meet with GOP leaders, seek their suggestions for common ground, and maybe grab a drink with Senate Majority Leader-to-Be Mitch McConnell. Beyond that, meh.

Even for a mortified-seeming Chris Matthews, the thrill is gone.

Obama has always been a small man with thin-skin, boasting only a defensiveness that belied his superficial polish, and so little imagination that he believed the words “I won” constituted outreach to the loyal opposition.

This afternoon, the country that had just put “paid” to the realities of his brand of “hope-and-change” dared to hope — just one more time — that Barack Obama would act like a president instead of a spoiled prince-ling. And when he failed, again, there seemed to be a collective sigh of lost patience, full-disillusionment and, finally, disgust.

She's got more including a poignant and pointed video snippet well worth the link click.

Go.  Laugh.  Then cry.

How in God's name did this guy ever get elected.

It's the question of the age, to which the answer of course is completely and utterly depressing.

2014 Election

Well the Republicans had a good night and they now have the majority.   The problem is while I am happy about it I know that the Republicans will do a lot of foot stomping but will not have enough strength and balls to actually do anything worthwhile.   Yep I expect we now have what I call Democrat Lite. . . .  but at least we can slow the descent into Socialist Hell.

From PC(USA) to Wesleyan

After growing up in a Presbyterian Church and spending my life in that denomination I am now thinking seriously about changing to a different church.  The last PC(USA) General Assembly made me realize that they no longer represent my values and beliefs.  I am exploring a local Wesleyan Church and will probably join it in the near future. 

I am not a person who likes change but sometimes I just have to accept it.